Stripping Bare

So I was talking to my director after rehearsal the other day about scheduling and he decided to use this time to give me a note I am sure he had been itching to give me for a while.

He spent about 5 minutes nicely sugarcoating and beating around the point he was trying to get at.

He didn't think my performance was honest.

It shook me a little.
That's a lie--- it shook me a lot.

He kept talking about how this company was all about putting it all out there, being real... as if it was a company I was new to, or new nothing about, which just solidified my feelings of being an outsider. How did I feel more part of a company I only did one show with two months ago than this company where I am on my third show in three years?

He said I just need to let go and let the emotions exsist.

Now, anyone that knows me will think I am crazy to be complaining about a note when usually I do nothing but gripe about not getting notes but this was not a note I expected and I feel it spoke of me more as an Actress in general than as a note for this particular rehearsal, role, or show even. (not to mention he did state that it has to do with me still being young and we all know how much I hate anyone referencing my age as a gauge of inexperiance)

But is it true?

Do I always play it too safe?

I think a lot of it has to do with me as a person. I have such a hard time opening up and letting go no matter what the circumstance. For example, today at work I was in the back room doing freight and I was listening to broadway on my Ipod player and everytime someone walked in the back room I got really nervous about them judging me.

Who the fuck cares what they think?

Answer?
I do.

God knows why. But I always play it safe in life, and in acting, because I am too scared to strip bare and then get picked at. I always felt like once I was on stage, really living in the character, or once I was really comfortable with the people I was working with it got better but I haven't had that click moment yet and maybe that's why Mark decided to talk to me, because he knew I hadn't clicked yet and we are winding down in the process.

How can I get my performances to become real and soul-bareing if I can never be that way myself?

It's a little easier to get away with in Musical theatre but once you throw yourself into a show that needs to be so real, so honest, it all becomes obvious.

I thought I overcame this really well in Bold Girls, but maybe I didn't. Maybe I haven't even scratched the surface.

Adam knows this well after casting me in Faustus and then probably regretting that when he had to spend an entire two hour rehearsal on my two pages of dialouge trying to dig it out of me. I appreciate what he did so much though because it led me to really let go and as small as that part or project may have been in the grand scheme of life, it is one I am still proudest of. But I can't seem to carry all that work we did onward.

Especially in a rehearsal hall in the basement of a chuch where people laugh and joke when they forget lines and I am not all that comfortable with the person I am playing opposite (I mean he is a really really nice guy, but I don't know him well at all and it just feels...awkward? which I guess is good since our characters are supposed to be awkward but it does make it hard)

Maybe it will all click this coming week...

but with directors who don't know and trust me, it won't be as forgiving. I have to be able to show at every audition and every rehearsal that I can be that actor that lets it all go.

I just don't know how. or where to start...

"It's Only Words, Unless They're True" -- David Mamet

"Acting is not about dressing up. Acting is about stripping bare" - Glenda Jackson