For Myself?

I was at rehearsal last week, apparently looking a bit under the weather/ frazzled (what else is new?) So Joe asked me how I was doing and I replied fine, just tired and stressed. He asked why (as is polite in normal interaction) and I proceeded to break it down for him.

The day before I had worked from 9-2 then gone to the middle school and worked 3-5 then rehearsal from 7-9 then work from 9:30 - 3am and woke up to repeat the process again that current day.

He looked at me for a moment and said something to the effect of you work a lot. do you ever just do anything for yourself?

I looked at him for a moment and shrugged and picked up my book and as I began to continue reading a book about Arts Education it really stung. Everything I do is for work or for someone else.

I realize this is a selfless existence but what do I do for myself?

I feel as though this is the dilemma that arises when your career is your artistic passion.

Whilst a lot of people who have artistic passion have a regular job, for example Michael... while he loves his job and has passion for it he does his job for his job and does his music for himself, my acting, my art, is my job.

This is a problem I have explored before in my life. I tried to take horseback riding lessons for a while to have something of my own.

It's more than just that though. Everything I do, even if I consider it what I am doing for myself (my shows for example) has an effect on the rest of my life. How I do in this show, or this job, or with that voice student, no matter how much I love all of the above, will affect my next show, my next job, or me getting more students. Nothing I do doesn't carry weight, aside from sleeping, eating, or watching TV.

I just wish I could find something that I did for me that it didn't matter if I didn't do perfectly all the time. That I could just do for my own enjoyment and not worry about if this will get me that audition or get in the way of that job.

The problem is I have stuffed my life so full of the other stuff I am afraid there isn't much room for anything else cause I may explode.

I mean obviously spending time with Michael watching movies or whatever is for myself but that's down time, rest time, like anyone else.

I keep trying to add these types of things to my life...
I want to start sewing again
and sing rock music
or start writing again.

but it's just so hard to get started.